mama dancer!

Hello all. Ok this one is for the gentlemen out there, for this example let’s pretend you have a fairly young attractive mom. You and your friends go out for a night on the town and end up in a strippers bar. You all pound drinks and decide to get a few lap dances. Your friend makes the arrangements and tells you all to go to the next room and wait for the girls.

Well as the ladies enter you realize that one of them is your mother.

What do you do????????

thinking out loud once again

Hello reader, been awhile since I’ve written to you all, well here I am, returning to the world of writing out my thoughts to share with you all.

Well last night I went to bed thinking and imagining how far advanced would we be as a civilization if we had the same beliefs, as in agreeing in our view of a higher power. I am going to show you the image that sparked this thought, I would like for you guys to look at it and let me know what thoughts it sparked in you.

This is what it sparked in my mind.


Imagine a world with a universal religion so to speak, as if we were all spiritual and realized that the differences in our beliefs is what would holds us back as a civilization. We woulda had flying cars by the 40s, disease would not be an issue and most of them woulda been cured by now, and some would not have even been invented.

Just imagine no dark ages, no burning of so-called witches, no lynch mobs going around killing in the name of their god and beliefs. No wasting time fighting over whats right and wrong according to a system of beliefs. Well I can go on and on but I would like to know what you guys think. Let me know,

Till next time….

part of my opening from my book.

It is true what they say; you do see your whole life flash right before your eyes in that last moment of life. Only it does not just flash, it is sort of like reliving your whole life, but this time having no control over it. You are aware of all the outcomes but still repeat the same mistakes. You also have the capabilities to slow down some parts of your life. You can bask in the glow of winning the big game, (if you played in a big game) or cry over losing a loved one and realizing just how important and precious life really is, (we all have to go through this). Let’s just say that a lot of things run through your mind at this moment.

Well I would like to share this flash, with you; just to give you an inside look at the inner workings of my mind.

Why you ask?

Because I want to, I love to share my insights on life with anyone that is willing to listen to or read anything that I have written. In addition, I think I am a pretty-good storyteller.

Is that a good enough reason? I would like to think so.

This might not make sense to you at times, but bear with it, eventually all roads lead home, and what I am about to share will eventually makes sense. This is a story of a boy, who became a man that ends up living not as he wants, but as he can.

We begin in the year 1976…

Why is shitting such a “Taboo”?

Why is shitting such a “Taboo”? As in no one talks about it freely or we all seem to walk out of the bathroom with a little bit of shame on our faces when we do it.

Why is that?

I mean defecating, passing a bowel, digesting, or just plain shitting, is something that we all do. I mean every human shits. Its one of the few things we all do. So why don’t we discuss it more freely, or do it on a first date at your dates house, or your own house for that matter when we have company. I for one rarely shit in front of a girl I just met, whether it is at my house or hers. Why is that? I’m definitely sure that every human being shits, yet most of us don’t bring the subject until we feel comfortable with that person.

I mean we all say we gotta go pee, or take a shower, but no one says “Hey I’m gonna go take a quick dump” and as we leave the bathroom we all leave looking a tad bit guilty. I mean if we tell people freely that were going to shower, then why not that? I mean just switch the words up and it sounds so much better, tell them, “hey I’m gonna go cleanse my belly”.

If you think about it you are technically cleaning your stomach out so a stomach shower would fit in this sense. So for those that are still shy when it comes to this little human part of us, use the phrase “belly cleanser” or “stomach cleansing” whatever floats your boat, in all just take your shit with pride folks, there should be no stigma attached to defecating, seriously. The next time you take a dump around coworkers or friends leave the bathroom with pride, for you have cleansed your stomach out of all the bad stuff. Feel good about it folks, for we all do it.

Till next time…

Christmas wish?

Christmas wish.
What do we all want for Christmas? This is normally an odd question for me to answer; you see I haven’t written a wish list to Santa in close to 25 years or so, so you see I’m not sure as in what I would ask for, or if there is anything out there that I want? I have gone so long without that I don’t know how to request anything for this holiday. Yeah sure we all want something; I just don’t know what to ask for.

Yeah I would like to start working on building a family with the right lady, but that isn’t something Santa could put under the tree, or is it? I would like for most of the indecision in me to be taken away, but again, that isn’t something that can be put in a box, or can it? Yes there is that toy I wanted as a kid that never got, but seriously, what would I do with a toy right now?

So what I am asking simply is this, if you all had one gift to ask for, what would it be? Now don’t give me that “World Peace” nonsense, give me what you would like to see under your tree on Christmas morning. Maybe that would give me an idea as to what I’m looking for in a gift. For now, I am simply asking for all of my loved ones and yes, even my hated ones, to have a great holiday, this is the one time of the year that I want all to be smiling, and it’s that simple.

Hey you never know who will be reading this nonsense, it just might be your Santa, so let me know what you would like for this upcoming holiday. I hope you all get what you’re asking for and that your able to make someone else in this world smile, even if its only for one day.

Happy holidays folks.
Till next time….

proper clening technique

I have noticed this trend going on for years and I have helped those that would listen and actually put into effect what I have showed them. So some of you could stop doing this idiotic mistake I will post it here.

A few guys that I have known and some girls that I have dated have done this mistake. Now it’s not their fault, I blame the parents for this mistake. But you cannot rub a bar of soap on your body, flake up and then turn on the water and rinse yourself off.

This is wrong people. You must combine the soap with the water. It’s that simple. Use them cohesively. Now for those that would like a demonstration please feel free to contact me and I will walk you through the process, for the rest of you, I hope this little bit of info helps and makes you a better person.

Remember, a clean body makes will be appreciated by all.

Till next time

so she had a bad day

Why me? Is what she thought. Damn shit is not funny, is what was running through her mind, I have seriously got the worst fucking luck. Damn!

Just the other day things were looking up for her; she had put her car on “Craigslist” for sale and was content with what was going on in her life. She came to me and told me bout her ad, and asked if I could help out,

“Sure” I told her, “Just let me look at the ad”.

I looked at the ad and noticed that it wasn’t posted in “New York”,

“Now that’s your problem right there, the ad is posted in “New Jersey” north jersey of all places, no one looks there, place your ad in “New York” and watch how you’ll get replies within the day”.

Well she went and placed the ad in “New York” like I told her, and would you know, within the hour she had a reply. She called me ecstatic saying the guy would be there in a little bit to checkout the car, I was happy for her also, no need for a lady with a one year old to have a second car just sitting there in her driveway,

“Make that money” is what I told her.

Lo and behold my phone rings by 6 o clock that day; it was her in a frantic tone.

“James, this guy was nuts”
“Huh, please explain, and calm down, tell me what happened”

She takes a deep breath and proceeds to fill me in on what occurred.

“Well this guy came by, looked at the car and said that it looked great, then asked if it would be ok if he can start it up, sure I told him as I handed him the keys. He pulls out over 12 hundred bucks in cash and says if it starts up, he’ll take it”

“Ok, what happened then, it sounds like it went well” is what I said.

She began to cry and say “No it didn’t go ok, this sick fuck got in my car with his money laid it on the passenger seat and reached in his pocket for a small bottle, started up the car, looked my way, smiled and proceeded to open the bottle and pour its contents all over himself and the inside of the car. I yelled hey what are you doing? He just looked at me, smiled and lit a match and put himself and the inside of the car on fire. The car went up like a straw house, and the money he brought also burnt up with him. This is some crazy shit James, why me?”

“Damn hon", was all I could muster. Then I followed up with, “You mean to tell me, that this guy came over to buy your car, showed you money, told you he would take it, got in the car to start it, and then poured gasoline all over himself and lit himself on fire in your car?”

“Yes” is what she got out in between sobs.

I started to chuckle a bit at this story because this shit is crazy. What the fuck would posses a man to light himself on fire in a car he intended to buy, with the money at his side? That is the craziest shit I’ve heard in awhile. Damn some people got no consideration for others.

Well she got stuck with a burnt car, a burnt person in it, and 12 hundred dollars burnt up also. So she has no car or money now and got a traumatic experience on top of it. Some people just have really fucked up days, remember this story the next time you think your having a bad day.

Hope you enjoyed this fictitious tale, till next time….

Long time no write

I know I haven’t been around.
Since I broke my wrist,
I find reasons why I can’t see you.
I come up with ideas,
Think of ways to say hello to you.
I always seem to forget.
Seems as of late,
You’ve been trying to get my attention.
Don’t know why?
But I choose to ignore you.
Now you’re yelling,
Screaming so loud,
I can no longer deny you.
Well, here I am.
How are you?
It’s has been awhile.

The Raping Pit!

One would think that a place called “The Raping Pit” would think that it’s a bad place? Am I wrong for assuming this? Can anyone out there tell me that a place called “The Raping Pit” would be a good place to go for a night?

Seriously, when you go down the basement and look under the staircase, all you see is a large hole, and in that hole is nothing but darkness, with a glimmer of an arm or teeth, sometimes even a buttock. But that’s all you see when you look down into “The Raping Pit”.

Now what makes me say this is one day this guy sot loud with me in my basement, so I punched him in the face, put my foot up his ass and threw him down the hole. Now s far as I can tell he never got out of there, don’t know why he never left but he chose to stay down there. Some people are a bit odd I tell ya.

Well for the next few months anybody that upset me and I wanted to get rid of, I would throw down the hole. Now I would hear some crazy shit down there, most of it I can’t repeat, but I sorta knew what was going on down there. That’s how I came up with the name.

But it seems to me that anyone I throw down there would just stay down there and join the growing crew. Pretty soon they were demanding people and food. One of them even had the balls to write me a note asking for cable. I told em to go fuck themselves and threw a midget down there.

So would you like to be thrown down into “The Raping Pit”!

Till next time….

Bohemian

Bohemian: A person with artistic or literary interests who disregards conventional standards of behavior.


Bohemian

Some say
“James you need to be saved”
Following your bullshit
Will that teach me to behave?
Trained since birth to view the world just like you
Not my fault
I question, I read, and now I see things
From a different point of view
‘Cause I question
Some say I’m bold
Can’t just sit there and believe all that’s been told
Most of what that has been written
A lot of it lies
Finding out the truth
I see
With open eyes
I don’t need a daily reminder
Or a weekly affirmation
To love those around me
And all of creation


Copyright © 2007. James Velez

Latest Scenario

Okie dokie, I know I have been gone for awhile, breaking a wrist can do that to ya, and on top of that I got hit with writers block big time. Well last night I came up with another “Scenario” to add to my collection of “Scenarios”.

I am still searching for a publisher for the book but until then I will keep testing em out on my “Blog” fans. Hope you all like this one, and give some feedback as to what you would do? I am still working on what to call this one, so any suggestions would be appreciated. Hope all is well

Till next time….

Scenario #59

“You’re on your way to meet your “Significant other” for an “After Work” drink.

Just as you get to the door of the bar you receive a text message on your phone.

It’s him/her letting you that they can’t meet you, that there stuck at work for the night.

As you read this you say to your self, “I’m here might as well get a drink”,

As you enter the bar you see him/her having drinks with another person.”

What do you do???

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thirsty pirates kickin ass @ "Ottos Shrunken Head" on a "Frank Wood" night

This is a rare video of "The Thirsty Pirates" performing at "Ottos Shrunken Head" down in the L.E.S. of N.Y.C. performing "thirstypirates" and "cheapskate"
yours truly on the drums
till next time

Thirsty Pirates at "Ottos Shrunken Head"

Ok, its time to give you guys an update on my life. I have joined the band “The Thirsty Pirates”. We played our first show this past Sunday in Brooklyn at “Don Pedro’s”, and I don’t mean to brag but we kicked ass. I mean we far exceeded our expectations for our first show.

We were loved; the bartender and the staff bought us drinks at the end of the show and all, they even invited us back to play Friday and Saturday night.

This was part of our “Get the kinks out” tour, before we play at “Punk Island” on June 21st. Oh man I haven’t felt this excited about anything in a long time. I got a pretty good feeling about this band. I mean the one thing that stands out from what people told us on Sunday was “You guys don’t sound like anybody, your sound is so unique”, and that is the truth.

We don’t sound like all these “New York” punk bands, you can actually understand what were saying and sing along with us. We play to have fun and make good music, nuff said!

Well for all of you that would like to see “The Thirsty Pirates” rock out before June 21st you can come peep us out on June 14th at “Ottos Shrunken Head” in the lower east side, 538 east 14th street. We go on at 7:30, a nice early show for you all.

Were playing on the “Frank Wood” presents showcase. This is kool because all of his shows get streamed live on the internet at http://www.nycliverock.com/

SO for those that cant make it, be sure to catch the show on the net, its sure to be another kick ass event. The pirates are coming to fuck shit up.

Till next time….

Mount Vernon's lock down of the south side is a fucking joke and an insult to its people.

Mount Vernon's lock down of the south side is a fucking joke and an insult to its people.

Yeah, it’s the “South Side” of town, and yes crime has been up, but crime is up everywhere. We are in a recession, people are broke and bitter what else can you expect? In a community that is so cluttered with people there is bound to be problems, but barricading the neighborhood at night is not going to help at all.

That is “Mount Vernon’s” answer to a lil crime wave, “Lets lock em in at night”. Very freaking smart. Just put a barricade on every street leading into this neighborhood, make life inconvenient for the people that come home from work late or decide to go to the store late.
This is pure idiocracy. Idiocracy to the fullest. Shouldn’t they have increased police presence? Or try to educate the people about about crime, as in what to keep an eye out for and what to report?

No instead they lock us in our room like children. The only reason I believe this is being done is because of who lives in this neighborhood, people of color. A huge minority influence in this neighborhood, if crime somehow spiked on the “North Side” of town they would never lock it down. So why treat us like animals and cage us in? I have no idea why. I would love to know who the idiot is that thought this was a good idea.

All this does is build resentment towards our police and towards our local politicians. I would love to ask the mayor “Clinton Young” what does he expect from all this? Like seriously, treating people of color in this manner is such reminiscent of the 1950s and 60s. This is bad, real bad.

I even asked a cop what the hell is all this for? His reply was, “This is for the good people of the community”. Huh? You freaking serious, inconvenient the good people for a few bad apples? Well I’m a good person of the community, and wait till the next election, see who gets my vote. Not the ones in command now I tell you that much.

I know it isn’t a color thing as much as a crime thing, but what does it feel or sound like to you?

Till next time….

Brady rule and Erectile Dysfunction not kool

The Brady Rule. That’s the new rule in the “N.F.L.”. If you ask me it should be called “The Bitch Rule”. Here is the rule:

Competition Committee adopted a clarification of the current rule on hits to a quarterback in the knee area or below. The clarification specifically prohibits a defender on the ground who hasn't been blocked or fouled directly into the quarterback from lunging or diving at the quarterback's lower legs.

In other words, if you’re on the ground you can’t make a lounge for the QB. Your taught to kill the quarter back, to hit him, you make a living doing this, this game is all about hitting, but the moment you hit the ground you have to shut all that down and not take a lounge at the man holding the ball. Are you kidding me. They say that this is for the protection of the quarterback, huh? How much more protection does he need? Is he not a football player? Does he not play the same game as everyone else? If you want to protect him more, just get a better offensive line.

Oh man, this is just one thing I’m pissed off about at the time. I won’t bore you with everything else, but I will say I miss you guys. I miss writing out my thoughts and sharing them with you all. This injury has put me out of everything. I haven’t written anything in a long time. I haven’t really been doing much. Dealing with a lot of pain and having lack of movement on your wrist can do that to you.

One thing I have noticed being hurt and home a lot, and watching late night television, there is an awful amount of erectile dysfunction medicine on TV. Damn, every two out of three commercials are about E.D... Like what the fuck, do only guys with flaccid penises watch late night television?

Sorry bout that, that was another thing that pissed me off the other night. I’m gonna be off for now folks. Getting me riled up and it’s late. I need to relax, take a deep breath, ah better. Well thank you for reading my rant, hope all is well with you all.

Till next time….

Thank you for my hot shower

Ahhhhhhh. There is nothing like a hot shower. Even with plastic wrapped around my arm, I still can appreciate a hot shower. This got me to wondering if there in anyone that I should thank for this wonder. The “Hot Shower” is by far, one of the greatest and most underappreciated inventions of our culture.

We all shower, but do we give thanks to the man that invented the shower? No we do not. This got me to do some research, I came across this after I “Googled” it.

“The simple bathrooms of ancient India, Egypt and Mesopotamia were all rudimentary showers. They did not contain baths, and people washed by pouring water over themselves or having it administered by a servant standing behind a low wall.

But the first real showers, with plumbed-in water, were invented by the ancient Greeks. After exerting themselves in the stadium, ancient Greek athletes would freshen up in the kind of shower depicted on an Athenian vase of the fourth century B.C. Two shower rooms are shown, occupied by four rather muscular young ladies. Piped-in water sprays down on the bathers through showerheads shaped like the faces of boars and lions. Near the top is a rack or pole over which the girls have draped their garments and towels. The whole scene is amazingly contemporary: apart from the animal showerheads, it would not be out of place in a modern gym."

So, there you have it. The Greeks not only invented democracy, philosophy, and the Olympics, they gave us showers, too. God bless 'em, and thank you.

Till next time….

White Street live

If you haven’t seen “White Street” live yet then your missing out. This dynamic duo takes hip hop to a whole new level, seriously. There not your standard rap duo there more, hmm let me think of how to word it, there like a hip hop novelty group.

There rapping gimmick is sex, and trust me they pull it off well. I mean really well. What comes out of there mouths will make “Jenna Jameson” and “Ron Jeremy” blush.

Now just because they are into making you laugh, it doesn’t mean that their music isn’t serious. These two have some damn good songs. Each song has a really kool beat on it and all the lyrics flow perfectly, I mean you catch yourself saying “Did they just say that?” a few times.


These two are highly perverted, but in a humorous way. Every beat just gets into your body and forces you to dance, all the while your listening to what their saying and laughing your head off. So now you’re laughing and dancing. A win, win situation, guaranteed to have a good time.


So trust me when I say, the next time “White Street” is performing, go see them, you won’t be disappointed. If you would like to hear a few of their tracks and find out more about them just click on the “White Street” links and bam, your there.

I even met my true love at the show

Till next time….

Walk Hard

“Walk hard

Hard

Down life's

Rocky road”

Word up, “Walk Hard!”

I have been addicted to “Walk Hard the Dewey Cox Story” recently. I mean bad. This movie is hilarious.

I have to admit that the first time I saw the movie I thought it was ok, a tad bit funny but that is it, nothing special. I gave it a second chance and I am so glad that I did.

This movie kicks major ars. There are so many lil jokes that can be easily missed, that each time I watch it I notice something new each time.

I even went out of my way to get the soundtrack. The music seriously rocks. Listen to the lyrics they are hilarious. These people managed to make damn good songs with humor in em. Seriously, these songs kick ass no doubt.

This movie is well casted in my opinion. From his parents, brother, band, wives, and kids, this movie rocks! You will watch it more then once, and laugh your ass off each time.

I even watched the credits just to listen to the songs and I came across a song not in the movie, “Hey have you heard the news Dewey Cox died”. That song is mad funny. People you have got to give this movie a chance. It kicks ass!

In addition, the last song in the movie, which is his “Masterpiece”, truly is his masterpiece. Here is the bridge leading into the chorus

“And then in the end

It’s family and friends

Loving yourself

But not only yourself

It’s about the good walk

And the hard walk

And the young girls you’ve made cry

It’s about make a little music everyday till you di-ie
Beautiful ride”

Tell me that doesn’t kick ass?
I personally give this movie 5 out of 5 stars. I do have to admit, it isn’t for everyone, but for those that do like it, love it. Walk hard!

"Long Lost Weekend" Review

Right after I broke my wrist, I received a package in the mail. I was wondering who would send me a package. I quickly opened the package and was floored immediately. “He was true to his word” was all I kept saying to myself. “Joey Salvia” had sent me his newest CD.

For those of you that do not know who “Joey Salvia” is I advise you to find out. I had promised him a review on his album, and here I am, and I will give you a little bit of info on him as well.

Enjoy

Born and raised in Brooklyn, “Joey Salvia” is one of the co-stars on “The Michael Kay Show”, an enormously popular drive-time sports talk show heard weekdays from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. on ESPN Radio at 1050 AM. “Joey” is the heart and soul on that show, true to “Michal Kay’s” introduction of him on the show.

The CD's 11 songs touch on a variety of topics they range from trying to survive in an increasingly expensive “New York City”, going through a painful divorce, and finding new love. On the track titled “Derek Jeter”, he lets you know what every single male that watches baseball thinks. "If I could be one person, I'd be Yankee Number Two. With four rings on my fingers and thousand dollar shoes," well said Mr Salvia.

The musical influences on "Long Lost Weekend" include the Beatles, Bob Dylan, with a taste of that New York edge.

This is one album to be enjoyed on a nice calm day at home pondering over life. This album lets us all know that we are not alone.

Teenage sexual drive

“It is time to grow the fuck up” were my exact words to him. Why did I say that to him you ask? Because I’m right. There comes a time in a man’s life when a 4-6 minute sex drive just isn’t sufficient

Let me let you in on the rest of this conversation to clear up the chaos in my statement.

My boy (name kept out for privacy) came by yesterday to chill and watch that shitty baseball game. Throughout the game, our conversation switched onto the topic of sex somehow.

I had said to him,
Me-“You haven’t gotten laid since 1995,” he replied with,

Him- “Nah, I got laid a couple of weeks ago”

Me- “Your lying”

Him- “Nah I’m not, for real bro, a couple of weeks ago I got laid”

Me- “ok, describe to me the event”

Him- “I met this girl through my cousin and we called each other a few times, so she invited me over, we smoked a spliff and then got busy”

Me- “Ok, what happened afterwards, you lying sack of shit”

Him- “Ummm, afterwards I relit the spliff and then bounced when I was done”

Me- “Did you offer her a hit? Did you talk to her afterwards? Did you even cuddle or anything? You just pulled out, took off the condom and lit a spliff? No talk no kiss anything?”

Him- “Yeah, basically that was it”

Me- “Before you left, did you say anything to her, did you give her a hug, a kiss, or even a pat on the back”

Him- “No, should I? Dude I got mine that’s all that mattered”

Me- “Ha! And you wonder why you never slept with a women more then once huh? Dude the time when you fuck vigorously for a few minutes is over. You are a grown man. Enjoy your time with the woman. Have her remember you in a good way. Right now, I bet she is telling everyone how wack of a lay you are. You went in there like a fucking teenager, no foreplay or anything, you smoked had sex, really fast mind you, then got up when it was over, sparked a philly smoked, didn’t even offer her any, and left”

Him- “Yeah that was it; I don’t see anything wrong with it”

Me- “Huh! Are you serious, did you listen to what I said? Dude she gave herself up to you, and the way you repaid her was by basically masturbating with the help of her body. You just went into her, pumped really hard and fast I bet, and that was it. Dude you’re a grown man, it is time to act like one, especially in the bedroom”

Him- “You really know how to make me feel like shit. Sometimes I wonder why I even tell you things”

Me- “This is the reason why you tell me these things, because you need to be taught the error of your ways. Bro you are a grown man, you can’t be fucking like some typical project teenage punk. There is no race to an orgasm, are you even experiencing anything? Really, think about it. You are pretty much jerking off in her body. You are not feeling all around inside of her, rubbing the walls enjoying your time in there. Keep this up and you will never sleep with a woman twice”

Him- “Your probably right, but she isn’t my girl or anything important like that”

Me- “So what! Dude she is a woman that is giving herself up to you and you repay her with a vigorous 5 minute pumping action. That is sad, and how did you leave huh?”

Him- “I said check ya later”

Me- “So you didn’t even tell her you would call, or that there would be another time. Did you even kiss her on the check?”

Him- “No, I just said check you later and bounced”

Me- “I bet you she called all her friends and told them how wack and immature you were”

Him- “Nah, you think?”

Me- “Think? I know she is. One thing I do know in this world is women. And she is regretting having sex with you, she is ripping you to shreds with her friends, and you will never ever get a second chance with her. Why you ask? Because you fucked like a kid! It is time to grow the fuck up! You want women to remember you for good things, not for embarrassing yourself in that way”

Him- “You might be right but fuck it, I got mine”

Me- “And it is selfish and immature thinking like that, that will keep you from becoming a man”

Him- “Fuck you bitch I am a man”

Me- “Yeah but you fuck like a teenager. Grow up”


Do you people agree with what I said to him?
Till next time….