But every blue moon I am, and this was one funny ass blue moon.
This is the most recent event in my life that left me speechless; I mean I had no words at all. The only thing I could do was laugh. You see I like to get reactions out of people, say crazy shit and see how they react to it; some is good, some is bad, and sometimes it hilarious.
I tend to just spew some off the wall sexual banter at my boys once in awhile just for laughs and also because sometimes, I just love to see their reactions to some of the shit I say.
Well on this day I decided to mess with my friend Paul by texting him this:
Me:yo last night was my first wet dream in a long time that didn’t involve you.
And this was his reply that left me lost for words:
Paul: that’s what you think. In my dream I was watching you from the window.
I was lost for words; all I could do was laugh. This was all I could type back to him in my midst of laughter:
Christmas wish. What do we all want for Christmas? This is normally an odd question for me to answer; you see I haven’t written a wish list to Santa in close to 25 years or so, so you see I’m not sure as in what I would ask for, or if there is anything out there that I want? I have gone so long without that I don’t know how to request anything for this holiday. Yeah sure we all want something; I just don’t know what to ask for.
Yeah I would like to start working on building a family with the right lady, but that isn’t something Santa could put under the tree, or is it? I would like for most of the indecision in me to be taken away, but again, that isn’t something that can be put in a box, or can it? Yes there is that toy I wanted as a kid that never got, but seriously, what would I do with a toy right now?
So what I am asking simply is this, if you all had one gift to ask for, what would it be? Now don’t give me that “World Peace” nonsense, give me what you would like to see under your tree on Christmas morning. Maybe that would give me an idea as to what I’m looking for in a gift. For now, I am simply asking for all of my loved ones and yes, even my hated ones, to have a great holiday, this is the one time of the year that I want all to be smiling, and it’s that simple.
Hey you never know who will be reading this nonsense, it just might be your Santa, so let me know what you would like for this upcoming holiday. I hope you all get what you’re asking for and that your able to make someone else in this world smile, even if its only for one day.
I have noticed this trend going on for years and I have helped those that would listen and actually put into effect what I have showed them. So some of you could stop doing this idiotic mistake I will post it here.
A few guys that I have known and some girls that I have dated have done this mistake. Now it’s not their fault, I blame the parents for this mistake. But you cannot rub a bar of soap on your body, flake up and then turn on the water and rinse yourself off.
This is wrong people. You must combine the soap with the water. It’s that simple. Use them cohesively. Now for those that would like a demonstration please feel free to contact me and I will walk you through the process, for the rest of you, I hope this little bit of info helps and makes you a better person.
Remember, a clean body makes will be appreciated by all.
Why me? Is what she thought. Damn shit is not funny, is what was running through her mind, I have seriously got the worst fucking luck. Damn!
Just the other day things were looking up for her; she had put her car on “Craigslist” for sale and was content with what was going on in her life. She came to me and told me bout her ad, and asked if I could help out,
“Sure” I told her, “Just let me look at the ad”.
I looked at the ad and noticed that it wasn’t posted in “New York”,
“Now that’s your problem right there, the ad is posted in “New Jersey” north jersey of all places, no one looks there, place your ad in “New York” and watch how you’ll get replies within the day”.
Well she went and placed the ad in “New York” like I told her, and would you know, within the hour she had a reply. She called me ecstatic saying the guy would be there in a little bit to checkout the car, I was happy for her also, no need for a lady with a one year old to have a second car just sitting there in her driveway,
“Make that money” is what I told her.
Lo and behold my phone rings by 6 o clock that day; it was her in a frantic tone.
“James, this guy was nuts” “Huh, please explain, and calm down, tell me what happened”
She takes a deep breath and proceeds to fill me in on what occurred.
“Well this guy came by, looked at the car and said that it looked great, then asked if it would be ok if he can start it up, sure I told him as I handed him the keys. He pulls out over 12 hundred bucks in cash and says if it starts up, he’ll take it”
“Ok, what happened then, it sounds like it went well” is what I said.
She began to cry and say “No it didn’t go ok, this sick fuck got in my car with his money laid it on the passenger seat and reached in his pocket for a small bottle, started up the car, looked my way, smiled and proceeded to open the bottle and pour its contents all over himself and the inside of the car. I yelled hey what are you doing? He just looked at me, smiled and lit a match and put himself and the inside of the car on fire. The car went up like a straw house, and the money he brought also burnt up with him. This is some crazy shit James, why me?”
“Damn hon", was all I could muster. Then I followed up with, “You mean to tell me, that this guy came over to buy your car, showed you money, told you he would take it, got in the car to start it, and then poured gasoline all over himself and lit himself on fire in your car?”
“Yes” is what she got out in between sobs.
I started to chuckle a bit at this story because this shit is crazy. What the fuck would posses a man to light himself on fire in a car he intended to buy, with the money at his side? That is the craziest shit I’ve heard in awhile. Damn some people got no consideration for others.
Well she got stuck with a burnt car, a burnt person in it, and 12 hundred dollars burnt up also. So she has no car or money now and got a traumatic experience on top of it. Some people just have really fucked up days, remember this story the next time you think your having a bad day.
Hope you enjoyed this fictitious tale, till next time….
Here is another "Exc erpt" from "Scenarios" let me know what you would do. Hope all well with you all.
Till next time.....
Feces In The Bathroom
You and a very good friend/relative,(use whichever fits the scenario better), Are out at a bar for a late night drink. Both of you are extremely inebriated. Your friend/relative leans over to you and say’s They have to use the bathroom badly. After excusing themselves, they proceed on their way to the bathroom. 15-20 minutes goes by and you start to wonder what’s taking them so long? Being the stand out person that you are, you head to the bathroom To check on your friend/relative. When you enter the bathroom you see your friend/relative passed out on the floor. They have feces all over them. It even looks as if there is still some attached.
