It seems I have caused a little bit of a stir on “Myspace” by posting my “cuddling certificate”. It seems that I keep getting questioned about it. “Is it real? How did you get it?” and so on and so forth. Well, I’m here to clear the air. Yes folks, I’m going to tell the story. So instead of telling you all individually (which I'm sure some of you have heard) I’ll input it into this story.
The year was 2001; I was dating this girl that went to a prominent New England university. I think most of you know that this university is located in Boston, along with about 32 other schools in this small “ass” city (emphasis on ass).
Well, there was a small survey going on at the school. The survey was based on intimacy and it’s after effects. Kind of like “what makes someone stick in your head.” Well on this survey they had all sorts of questions. From the way a person likes to be kissed to how they like to be held, and what they do right after sex. All sorts of weird questions were on the survey. Well my girlfriend and her friends filled out their's while I fiddled with mine. I wrote in the “after sex question” that I like to cuddle immediately afterwards. Well, she peeked over and laughed. Her friends heard and saw her laughing and asked what was up? That is when the whole topic on cuddling began. I said, “I am the best.” She agreed and her friends wondered if it was really true. Funny, I tell you. But at the end of all this, they all wrote that they wanted to cuddle with James after sex.
My girlfriend wrote that she loves to cuddle up with James Velez and her friends all wrote, “I wish I could cuddle with someone as good as James.”
It turned out that a lot of the women that filled out this survey put down that they remember a guy that stays to cuddle rather then a guy that leaves immediately afterwards or a guy that goes straight to sleep. This got everyone curious as to how a good cuddle can affect a relationship, or form one. In some cases, women pick partners that make them feel safe and comfortable. This is what a good cuddle does. So a bunch of other names were written down as was mine, but mine was on 4 surveys. With mine being the fourth, for those of you keeping count, it just so happens that the name James was on a few more surveys (hey I've got a popular name).
So they contacted some people on the list and conducted a “cuddling survey”. I got my call, and was shocked at the fact that they had actually contacted me. I don't know how they found me, but they did. I wasn't even a student. Here I am visiting my girlfriend and they found me. Now that I think about it, I did fill out a survey myself, so there goes that. The fact of the matter is that they did, so end of story. Well on the phone call (which was brief) they explained to me that I was to be paid $50 for cuddling with a mannequin and that they would take it from there. Me, being a broke man, I said, “OK, I’m there.” Fifty bucks is fifty bucks. And it would only take 15 to 25 minutes. I jumped into the shower, shaved my head, put on that good smelling after-shave, (you all know it) threw on my sexy boxer briefs (they said I was to take the exam in my underwear) and headed down to the address they gave me.
The address was off campus, so I was weary about that. As I approached my destination, I started to notice that all the windows were blacked out. “Hmmm, odd”, I thought. But what the heck, you only live once, so I went to the door and rang the bell. I got buzzed in and was met at the door by a fairly young, attractive lady in her mid 20s. She kind of looked like a student. I thought to myself, “Damn I wouldn’t mind cuddling up with her”. She handed me a clipboard and asked me to sign some papers. It contained all your basic legal hoopla. The room looked pretty plain. All that was in this office was a black desk with one of those computers that every company has, with a huge 21-inch flat screen monitor, a few chairs along the wall with clip boards hanging on the wall above every chair.
When I was done, she escorted me into this room where there were about 6 or 7 guys that I had never met. I did know one of them. His name was Jay. It just so happens that his name was also on a few of the surveys. All of these guys’ had their names written on the surveys. So after a few minutes of me “shooting the breeze” with them, a loud buzzer went off. That's when Frank Xavier Burke walked in. He was a professor that was working on a book that is based on relationships. He walked in, greeted us, and explained to us what we were about to go through. He told us that we would be taking an exam, where we would be studied individually on our cuddling techniques. I, of course, went last, because my last name starts with a “V”.
One by one they went in, and one by one they came out. No one was looking too happy.
I had asked Jay “What's up?” He said “It’s cold in there, and I didn't even get to light it all up.” “Light it all up?” I thought. I was curious as to what the fuck does he mean by “light it up”. He just looked at me and said “good luck”. So finally it was my turn.
I get up from my seat and hop over to the “black door”. As I entered, I was shocked by what I saw. Standing in a corner were three little white guys looking at a computer screen. The room had white walls and a metal table in the middle of the room with minimal padding on top of it. There was a mannequin on top of the table, it had all sorts of thick cables coming from it; I also noticed that it had a series of lights along side it. These lights were going on and off in a real fast sequence. I guess I looked shocked because that was when Frank approached me. He put his arm around me and said, “Relax, nothing is going to happen to you.” That's when I tensed up and looked at him with that famous scowl of mine. He assured me that this was all for research. He instructed me to strip down to my boxers, and that's when I said, “Chill bro, I don't get down like that.” He started to laugh and said “Don't you think any of the young men that left, would have warned you if anything kinky was going on in here?” I remembered Jay laughing and thought to myself “Hmm, Jay would have warned me.” So I stripped down to my boxer briefs, some bright green ones I owned at the time.
At that moment, the hot young lady walked in to tell the Doc that a few more guys had shown up. She eyed my legs and threw me a big smile. A wise-ass like me blew her a kiss. She laughed and exited the room. Frank came up to me and said, “OK Jim, all we need is for you to simulate your cuddling experience with this doll, according to what lights light up, we’ll be able to get our results.” I asked what they were looking for. He said, “we're looking to see if it's possible to hit quote-unquote ‘all the right spots’ as they say in cuddling. I smiled and said “Don't worry; I'll light this bad boy up.”
So in I went. I jumped up on to the table and jumped right off. “Damn this is cold!” I yelled, they all laughed, and said “Don't worry, it'll be alright”. So I went back up to the table and approached it “like a man”.
I spooned a mannequin.
I'm not proud of it, but what the heck. You only live once. As I was spooning it, the three white guys in the corner jumped up. One of them yelled, “Hey there all lit! It's like a Christmas tree over here". I heard the buzzer go off, and Frank walked over to me and said “you can get jump off now”. He walked towards the “three wise men” (as I called them) he picked up the phone and called in the young lady.
As she walked in she threw me a wink (seriously). Frank told her “Send the rest of the subject's home; we found what we’re looking for.”
“Oh,” she said, and turned around and left. Frank walked over to me and said, “Jim, you hit the sensors that forced all the other lights to go off”.
“Huh?” I thought.
“Jim it is impossible to actually hit all of the sensors, but not impossible to light up all the sensors, and that my boy is what you just did, you have shown me that there is such a thing as a “Perfect cuddle”.
Wow, I was thrown aback with that comment. I mean I talk a lot of smack, but to actually have someone state that I just committed the “Perfect cuddle”. I thought, “Nah this isn't happening.” As I got dressed, he printed me out this certificate that read "New England Cuddling Association"; I'm thinking “What's next?” He mentioned that he is proud to give me this certificate, and then proceeds to hand me a check for $100.
I'm thinking to myself “Nah this isn't it,” I mean I'm “the cuddling master”. But it had dawned on me, at that instant, that I signed a release form.
“Damn!”
He said that his book would not include my name, to protect him from being sued and that I am certified to teach a course in cuddling if I choose to. I said “Thank you” and asked about the “free lunch” (I was hungry). He laughed and said “You’re one of a kind” and points me towards the door. “We’re gonna give you a meal card towards a free lunch”. “Meal card,” I thought, “huh.” Campus food is not that good, and I'm not a student, I always feel out of place in their cafeteria. So I said it’s Kool, I'll pass on the meal card. He shrugged and said, “Good luck out there Jim”.
“Peace out Frank” was my good-bye to him.
As I left, the cute receptionist slipped me her number and said “You have sexy legs”. I smiled and said “Thank you” and walked out in a hurry (I'm not a real smooth ladies man, and besides the fact, I had a girl).
I tossed her number in the trash and went back to my girlfriend’s apartment. I told her all about the experience. She couldn't believe it until I showed her my certificate. To this day she and her friends laugh about this. And they still say “only James”.
Well that's the story behind my “Cuddling certificate”. Let me know what you guys think.
I'm out till next time.
Peace, love, sex and welfare checks
J.velez
Copyright © 2007. James Velez
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