Feces In The Bathroom

Here is another "Exc erpt" from "Scenarios" let me know what you would do. Hope all well with you all.

Till next time.....

Feces In The Bathroom

You and a very good friend/relative,(use whichever fits the scenario better),
Are out at a bar for a late night drink. Both of you are extremely inebriated.
Your friend/relative leans over to you and say’s
They have to use the bathroom badly.
After excusing themselves, they proceed on their way to the bathroom.
15-20 minutes goes by and you start to wonder what’s taking them so long?
Being the stand out person that you are, you head to the bathroom
To check on your friend/relative.
When you enter the bathroom you see your friend/relative passed out on the floor.
They have feces all over them.
It even looks as if there is still some attached.

What do you do?

An insane wedding ritual

This is an excerpt from a book that I would love to publish called “Scenarios”.
You all know how I am, I am constantly asking you “What would you do if” or a,
“How would you deal with”. Well this is my newest one that I have written down, number 57
On a list of a whole bunch more. Let me know what you guys would do.
Till next time….


#57
Juice of life

Let us say that you have been dating this person for a year or so, you end up
Engaged to them and start to plan your wedding.
They proceed to tell you that their family is ecstatic and that you would have to
Go through a family marriage ritual before the wedding
You ask what is that all about and they tell you that it is a spiritual ritual
That the family performs and it ends with everyone drinking
“The Juice Of Life”
You say ok and don’t ask anymore questions
Time for the ritual, all is going well, they got their dances and good food
You see that this is very special to them, time for the “Juice of Life”
The man of the family grabs a gold goblet, turns around and proceed to
Masturbate and ejaculates Into the cup.
They fill it with hot water and drop one tea bag into it, they fill
Shot glasses with this drink and pass it around,


What would you do?

Copyright © 2009. James Velez

my most recent sociological experiment

Ok, yours truly went on a sociological study these past few days. I went out and asked men a question that has only two options to choose from.

What I found strange was that the men that were parents seem to choose the same option, pretty much the same with the single, childless ones.

Well here is the question,

“If you had only two options and these are them, which would you choose? “

1) Take it in the ass for five minutes
2) Go to prison for five years

I even posted this on my “Facebook” account as a note to see what results I would get, tell you the truth, a lot of people did not answer there, but I asked over 30 men this question wherever I went. At the deli, the mechanic shop, I mean everywhere, even with two guys I worked with over the weekend.

And the results are 15 that would take it in the poopshoot and 21 that would take their chances in prison. Pretty close if you ask me, pretty close. This was a really fun survey, some of the responses I got were hilarious, and some just down right honest and to the point.

Almost every guy that was a parent said “Take it in the ass fuck that, 5 years is a long time to be away from my kids” was the unanimous answer, from most of the parents. My boy “Jorge” gave me the best answer, “I’ll take my chances in jail” was his reply, oh man that killed me; I nearly died of laughter when I got that text. Another friend wrote me, “To avoid taking it in the ass for five years, yes I would” damn, that’s what people think prison is all about? Just one rape scene after another. C’mon people, prison is now like that.

The reply I got was from one of my boys via text was, “I’ll take it in the ass for 5 minutes then go to jail bitch!!!!!” Damn I thought, I replied to him callin him “Super Gangsta!”

That was a crazy reply for real. So I came to this conclusion with this experiment, parents will do anything for their kids. That love is damn strong, and others would lose their freedom just to keep their “manliness”.

It was a fun survey, had a ton of laughs with it and plenty of strange looks, but fuck it! It was all in the name of science,

So to end, my conclusion is that parents are willing to get fucked for thier kids.

Till next time….

Finally a good College

Can this be correct? A school for us all? Peep this out. I already enrolled. See you all in class.

Till next time....

Velez
James

Major:
Surviving the Apocalypse
Minor:
Starting a Band

Second Annual "Punk Island"

Stage 9 kicked ass!
To all of you that were there you all know “Punk Island” kicked ass this year. Considering that the weather was not working with us, “Punk Island” was still a success.

With no corporate sponsors or outside help this year, “Slug” pulled it off; the second annual “Punk Island” manifested itself on June 21st on “Governor’s Island” as a success.

The punks came out in droves. People showed up despite the weather, all with the hopes of hearing some good music, and having a good time. They were not disappointed. “Governors Island” was a great venue for this event.

Not only does “Governors Island” have some seriously great views of Manhattan it also has a nice up and close view of “The Statute of Liberty”, and almost every house on the island had its own individual art piece in the front.

Onto the show, the island consisted of 10 stages filled with energetic musicians eager to play, and play they did.

Me being co-stage manager along with “Shakes”, I was at our stage for most of the venue, but I was not disappointed. Aside from the first band cancelling on us, everything went off without a hitch. Not only did we have one of the, if not the best stage in the entire venue, every band got along with each other. We all shared equipment and showed support.
A big thanx to all the bands.

Well on to the show, “Mutilated Martyr” opened up the set with some explosive music. These guys were not playing around, they kicked ass. Check them out by clicking on their link to see what I’m talking about.

Second on stage was a band called “Sedated”, now their name does not define their music, their fans were as hardcore as they were. These guys played hard and fast. Click on their link for more on them.

Now on to the third act, these guys are called “Capt. Ronzo and The Thirsty Pirates”. Now not to sound biased or anything, but this act was real good. The lead singer has on this self made pirate outfit and a 3 foot long pirate hat to go along with it. These guys kicked ass. The island offers up tram tours around the island and the tram stopped twice while we were on stage. Everyone on board yelling “Arrrrrrrrrrrr” or “Shiver me timbers”, it was so much fun to be a part of that. This is one band that really is energetic and fun to watch. And the music is damn good. Check them out by clicking on their link.

Now the 4th act was “The Halfway Crooks”, and they were not halfway at all. This band was the least punk out of all the bands playing, there more like a “Ska Jam band” but let me tell you, they stole the show. This band is incredible, everyone on stage is extremely talented and not afraid to show it. You have got to check this band out, trust me. When these guys were off stage their was a line to buy their c.d.

And now the final act, they were “The U.N. Posse”. Now this band was special to me because the oldest member of the band was 19 and the youngest being 14, who mind you rocks as hard as they come. Click on their link to peep em out. This band played well beyond its age, and to top it off, the lead singer and bassist of “The Halfway Crooks” jumped on stage with them for their final song and they did a rendition of “Journey’s – Don’t stop believing” and oh man, let me tell you it kicked ass, they even through in a rap to go with it.

What a way to close out a magical day, in my eyes “Punk Island” was a major success. Check out my “MySpace and Facebook” page for more pics on the event, and for links to all the above mentioned bands. If you were their, you witnessed an awesome event, and if you weren’t, see you at next years, “Punk Island”.
Till next time….

thirsty pirates kickin ass @ "Ottos Shrunken Head" on a "Frank Wood" night

This is a rare video of "The Thirsty Pirates" performing at "Ottos Shrunken Head" down in the L.E.S. of N.Y.C. performing "thirstypirates" and "cheapskate"
yours truly on the drums
till next time

Thirsty Pirates at "Ottos Shrunken Head"

Ok, its time to give you guys an update on my life. I have joined the band “The Thirsty Pirates”. We played our first show this past Sunday in Brooklyn at “Don Pedro’s”, and I don’t mean to brag but we kicked ass. I mean we far exceeded our expectations for our first show.

We were loved; the bartender and the staff bought us drinks at the end of the show and all, they even invited us back to play Friday and Saturday night.

This was part of our “Get the kinks out” tour, before we play at “Punk Island” on June 21st. Oh man I haven’t felt this excited about anything in a long time. I got a pretty good feeling about this band. I mean the one thing that stands out from what people told us on Sunday was “You guys don’t sound like anybody, your sound is so unique”, and that is the truth.

We don’t sound like all these “New York” punk bands, you can actually understand what were saying and sing along with us. We play to have fun and make good music, nuff said!

Well for all of you that would like to see “The Thirsty Pirates” rock out before June 21st you can come peep us out on June 14th at “Ottos Shrunken Head” in the lower east side, 538 east 14th street. We go on at 7:30, a nice early show for you all.

Were playing on the “Frank Wood” presents showcase. This is kool because all of his shows get streamed live on the internet at http://www.nycliverock.com/

SO for those that cant make it, be sure to catch the show on the net, its sure to be another kick ass event. The pirates are coming to fuck shit up.

Till next time….

2nd Annual Punk Island

Punk Island June 21st on Governors Island
That’s the name and location for the annual “Punk Island” show. A show filled with damn good music, tons of fun, with the great “New York” skyline as your background.

This is the second year for this venue, so come on out and show some support for your fellow punk rockers. This year yours truly will be playing at the festival. I’m the new drummer to “The Thirsty Pirates”, a pretty kool band that me and my bassist/friend/roommate have joined and changed the sound for the better.

There will be 70 bands playing on 11 playing areas and one main stage, there will also be a “Skate Demo” being sponsored by Connecticut’s “Worship Skateboards”, here is their link, http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.worshipskateboards.com%2F&h=32bb70c6efe54b6aa8941cdf68cc55dd

This should be a fun packed day for all, and it’s free. That’s right free, where else can you see 70 kick ass bands and a skateboarding show with beautiful scenery for free? The event will go from 10am to 5pm sharp. And yes even the ferry to get on and off the island is free. For detailed ferry info check out the following link http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.govisland.com%2FVisit_the_Island%2Fdirections.asp&h=32bb70c6efe54b6aa8941cdf68cc55dd

Merchandise includes shirts, stickers and the limited edition skateboards can be bought at the island. Again, proceeds from all sales and your charitable donations (no matter how big or small) are our only means of financing this great event. So note that YOU are the one making this event a reality through your purchase and donations. After all, where else will you be able to see over 70 of your favorite bands play for FREE all in one exciting, action-packed day?

You may also purchase merchandise prior to June 21st via our official website: http://www.myspace.com/mmnypunkisland or email directly at: slug@makemusicny.org

Everyone is encouraged register on the website to receive up to the minute updates, posts, blogs and information on this and future events. You may also make friends, posts to set up rides to the event and find places to stay, network with bands, promoters and check out the band’s sites.

Lastly, I want to remind you that since Governors Island is state park property, that alcoholic beverage, pets and weapons are restricted from the premises. For detailed rules and regulations please click on the following link: http://www.govisland.com/Visit_the_Island/rules.asp

Also, don’t forget to bring your cameras/camcorders as the panoramic views from Governors Island are beyond amazing.I look forward to seeing you all at Punk Island

Till next time....

"Unwanted Facials"

“Unwanted Facials” is what it is called. My boy told me to look at it for a good laugh. Oh man, was he correct. This is some crazy shit. It is exactly what it says, unwanted facials. This is a video on “Efukt.com”.

This has got to be one of the funniest and craziest videos I have seen in a long time. Its all about this guy running up on unsuspecting women and shooting a load on them, by load I mean semen.

Seriously, this man comes up sneakily jerking off, walks up to the women and splash, he shoots a load on them. Tell me this isn’t crazy? Watch the video, laugh or get disgusted by it and let me know what you think. This video even has a dope song on it by the band “Le tigre”. This song kicks major ass. Watch the video for the song. If anything this video will make you laugh in the least. Peep it out and let me know what you think.
Till next time….

Mount Vernon's lock down of the south side is a fucking joke and an insult to its people.

Mount Vernon's lock down of the south side is a fucking joke and an insult to its people.

Yeah, it’s the “South Side” of town, and yes crime has been up, but crime is up everywhere. We are in a recession, people are broke and bitter what else can you expect? In a community that is so cluttered with people there is bound to be problems, but barricading the neighborhood at night is not going to help at all.

That is “Mount Vernon’s” answer to a lil crime wave, “Lets lock em in at night”. Very freaking smart. Just put a barricade on every street leading into this neighborhood, make life inconvenient for the people that come home from work late or decide to go to the store late.
This is pure idiocracy. Idiocracy to the fullest. Shouldn’t they have increased police presence? Or try to educate the people about about crime, as in what to keep an eye out for and what to report?

No instead they lock us in our room like children. The only reason I believe this is being done is because of who lives in this neighborhood, people of color. A huge minority influence in this neighborhood, if crime somehow spiked on the “North Side” of town they would never lock it down. So why treat us like animals and cage us in? I have no idea why. I would love to know who the idiot is that thought this was a good idea.

All this does is build resentment towards our police and towards our local politicians. I would love to ask the mayor “Clinton Young” what does he expect from all this? Like seriously, treating people of color in this manner is such reminiscent of the 1950s and 60s. This is bad, real bad.

I even asked a cop what the hell is all this for? His reply was, “This is for the good people of the community”. Huh? You freaking serious, inconvenient the good people for a few bad apples? Well I’m a good person of the community, and wait till the next election, see who gets my vote. Not the ones in command now I tell you that much.

I know it isn’t a color thing as much as a crime thing, but what does it feel or sound like to you?

Till next time….

Bust your Window?

“I bust the windows out ya car
you know I did it cuz I left my mark
Wrote my initials with the crowbar
and then I drove off into the dark”







And that is the song by “Jazmine Sullivan” titled “Bust your Window”…… (LMAO)
Oh my, how our music has changed. Wow this song cracked me up. I won’t fake the funk, it is a damn good song, but the lyrics, which are a bit deep, are crazy.

“I must admit it helped a little bitto think of how you'd feel when you saw it”

Wow she was pissed!
This song got me thinking about my uncles, and my boys. And on how when they would mess things up with a girl the girl would somehow ruin something of theirs. Like cutting up a shirt, a hat, or slashing car tires, even going as far as “Busting a window”.

Oh man, when a lady gets angry, she gets mad!

But this really got me thinking. I mean “Us” and by “Us” I mean men are not known for destroying anything that belongs to our ex’s. I have been dissed and even cheated on and all I did was punch the guy in the face and ignore her phone calls. I have had friends and relatives go through much worse then that, and all they do is say “fuck it! Life goes on!

Which is so true.

So my question of the day goes out to all my lady readers out there. Please answer me this question. Why do you destroy a man’s property to get revenge? What is it about it that entices you to do it?

And fella’s let me know what you have gone through? As in what was destroyed of yours.

Till next time….

far and few

Hello all. Blogs have been far and few. Oh that is true, well here I am just wanting to let you guys know how I’m doing. Let you all know I’m still alive.

Just went a whole month without my car, damn timing chain goes and that ends up breaking something inside the engine, and blah, blah, blah, one thing leads to another and I end up car-less for a month.

Oh here is the topper, on the day that I was supposed to get my car; I get a phone call from the “Yonkers Police Department”. They are calling to let me know that I need to come in and sign a “Proof of ownership” paper. I ask why and they tell me that an angry costumer walks into the shop and chases the owner with a bat and smashes the rear window to my car.

“Huh?”

“You mean to tell me that some man came in to the shop to kick ass and smashed my car window to show he meant business?”

“Yeah, we got the whole thing on tape.”

That just put another delay on me getting my car. The way the ball bounces for me huh? Oh it just so happens that on that exact same day I get hit with a bad flu. Four days of hell I tell you. The flu sucks big time. I haven’t had it in years and now I got it because my roommate went out to hang out in seedy areas with seedy individuals and he brings back the Black Death. Oh man, that flu hurt, a lot.

Well I advise you all to go out and see “The Wolverine” movie. That movie kicks ass with a capital A. For all the old school comic book dorks like me, this movie is the bomb!

Well I am recovery pretty well, a little slower then what I expected, but hopefully I’ll be back to myself by this summer.
Till next time….

Brady rule and Erectile Dysfunction not kool

The Brady Rule. That’s the new rule in the “N.F.L.”. If you ask me it should be called “The Bitch Rule”. Here is the rule:

Competition Committee adopted a clarification of the current rule on hits to a quarterback in the knee area or below. The clarification specifically prohibits a defender on the ground who hasn't been blocked or fouled directly into the quarterback from lunging or diving at the quarterback's lower legs.

In other words, if you’re on the ground you can’t make a lounge for the QB. Your taught to kill the quarter back, to hit him, you make a living doing this, this game is all about hitting, but the moment you hit the ground you have to shut all that down and not take a lounge at the man holding the ball. Are you kidding me. They say that this is for the protection of the quarterback, huh? How much more protection does he need? Is he not a football player? Does he not play the same game as everyone else? If you want to protect him more, just get a better offensive line.

Oh man, this is just one thing I’m pissed off about at the time. I won’t bore you with everything else, but I will say I miss you guys. I miss writing out my thoughts and sharing them with you all. This injury has put me out of everything. I haven’t written anything in a long time. I haven’t really been doing much. Dealing with a lot of pain and having lack of movement on your wrist can do that to you.

One thing I have noticed being hurt and home a lot, and watching late night television, there is an awful amount of erectile dysfunction medicine on TV. Damn, every two out of three commercials are about E.D... Like what the fuck, do only guys with flaccid penises watch late night television?

Sorry bout that, that was another thing that pissed me off the other night. I’m gonna be off for now folks. Getting me riled up and it’s late. I need to relax, take a deep breath, ah better. Well thank you for reading my rant, hope all is well with you all.

Till next time….

Lemming myth

Oh man, “Lemmings do not commit mass suicide. It's a myth,” I got this off of this site,

http://www.wildlifenews.alaska.gov/index.cfm?adfg=wildlife_news.view_article&issue_id=6&articles_id=56

I was bored last night and I was thinking of lemmings for some odd reason, so I “Googled” lemmings. And this is what I come across? The article says that Disney staged the mass suicide, actually throwing lemmings off the cliff.

“The epic "lemming migration" was staged using careful editing, tight camera angles and a few dozen lemmings running on snow covered lazy-Susan style turntable.”

Like wow, even this was on the site,

"It's a complete urban legend," said state wildlife biologist Thomas McDonough.”I think it blew out of proportion based on a Disney documentary in the '50s, and that brought it to the mainstream."

I watched that, I thought it was real; I skipped that chapter in my encyclopedia. I honestly thought they killed themselves every five or ten years. There was even a “Nintendo” game called Lemmings, and they ran together, you ran with em, tried to stop them from taking the plunge I think. But damn!

Well now I know a bit more about those little cute rodents, and now so do you. Peep out the link and read up on those little bastards.

Till next time….

Thank you for my hot shower

Ahhhhhhh. There is nothing like a hot shower. Even with plastic wrapped around my arm, I still can appreciate a hot shower. This got me to wondering if there in anyone that I should thank for this wonder. The “Hot Shower” is by far, one of the greatest and most underappreciated inventions of our culture.

We all shower, but do we give thanks to the man that invented the shower? No we do not. This got me to do some research, I came across this after I “Googled” it.

“The simple bathrooms of ancient India, Egypt and Mesopotamia were all rudimentary showers. They did not contain baths, and people washed by pouring water over themselves or having it administered by a servant standing behind a low wall.

But the first real showers, with plumbed-in water, were invented by the ancient Greeks. After exerting themselves in the stadium, ancient Greek athletes would freshen up in the kind of shower depicted on an Athenian vase of the fourth century B.C. Two shower rooms are shown, occupied by four rather muscular young ladies. Piped-in water sprays down on the bathers through showerheads shaped like the faces of boars and lions. Near the top is a rack or pole over which the girls have draped their garments and towels. The whole scene is amazingly contemporary: apart from the animal showerheads, it would not be out of place in a modern gym."

So, there you have it. The Greeks not only invented democracy, philosophy, and the Olympics, they gave us showers, too. God bless 'em, and thank you.

Till next time….

Another reason to outlaw Karaoke

Here am I getting suckered into singing a song. I chose to sing "Signs" the "Tesla" version. Try not to laugh to hard at me. It takes balls to do this. Come on out and join me on a monday night at "The BarCar" in "Mount Vernon.

Till next time....

White Street live

If you haven’t seen “White Street” live yet then your missing out. This dynamic duo takes hip hop to a whole new level, seriously. There not your standard rap duo there more, hmm let me think of how to word it, there like a hip hop novelty group.

There rapping gimmick is sex, and trust me they pull it off well. I mean really well. What comes out of there mouths will make “Jenna Jameson” and “Ron Jeremy” blush.

Now just because they are into making you laugh, it doesn’t mean that their music isn’t serious. These two have some damn good songs. Each song has a really kool beat on it and all the lyrics flow perfectly, I mean you catch yourself saying “Did they just say that?” a few times.


These two are highly perverted, but in a humorous way. Every beat just gets into your body and forces you to dance, all the while your listening to what their saying and laughing your head off. So now you’re laughing and dancing. A win, win situation, guaranteed to have a good time.


So trust me when I say, the next time “White Street” is performing, go see them, you won’t be disappointed. If you would like to hear a few of their tracks and find out more about them just click on the “White Street” links and bam, your there.

I even met my true love at the show

Till next time….

Walk Hard

“Walk hard

Hard

Down life's

Rocky road”

Word up, “Walk Hard!”

I have been addicted to “Walk Hard the Dewey Cox Story” recently. I mean bad. This movie is hilarious.

I have to admit that the first time I saw the movie I thought it was ok, a tad bit funny but that is it, nothing special. I gave it a second chance and I am so glad that I did.

This movie kicks major ars. There are so many lil jokes that can be easily missed, that each time I watch it I notice something new each time.

I even went out of my way to get the soundtrack. The music seriously rocks. Listen to the lyrics they are hilarious. These people managed to make damn good songs with humor in em. Seriously, these songs kick ass no doubt.

This movie is well casted in my opinion. From his parents, brother, band, wives, and kids, this movie rocks! You will watch it more then once, and laugh your ass off each time.

I even watched the credits just to listen to the songs and I came across a song not in the movie, “Hey have you heard the news Dewey Cox died”. That song is mad funny. People you have got to give this movie a chance. It kicks ass!

In addition, the last song in the movie, which is his “Masterpiece”, truly is his masterpiece. Here is the bridge leading into the chorus

“And then in the end

It’s family and friends

Loving yourself

But not only yourself

It’s about the good walk

And the hard walk

And the young girls you’ve made cry

It’s about make a little music everyday till you di-ie
Beautiful ride”

Tell me that doesn’t kick ass?
I personally give this movie 5 out of 5 stars. I do have to admit, it isn’t for everyone, but for those that do like it, love it. Walk hard!

"Long Lost Weekend" Review

Right after I broke my wrist, I received a package in the mail. I was wondering who would send me a package. I quickly opened the package and was floored immediately. “He was true to his word” was all I kept saying to myself. “Joey Salvia” had sent me his newest CD.

For those of you that do not know who “Joey Salvia” is I advise you to find out. I had promised him a review on his album, and here I am, and I will give you a little bit of info on him as well.

Enjoy

Born and raised in Brooklyn, “Joey Salvia” is one of the co-stars on “The Michael Kay Show”, an enormously popular drive-time sports talk show heard weekdays from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. on ESPN Radio at 1050 AM. “Joey” is the heart and soul on that show, true to “Michal Kay’s” introduction of him on the show.

The CD's 11 songs touch on a variety of topics they range from trying to survive in an increasingly expensive “New York City”, going through a painful divorce, and finding new love. On the track titled “Derek Jeter”, he lets you know what every single male that watches baseball thinks. "If I could be one person, I'd be Yankee Number Two. With four rings on my fingers and thousand dollar shoes," well said Mr Salvia.

The musical influences on "Long Lost Weekend" include the Beatles, Bob Dylan, with a taste of that New York edge.

This is one album to be enjoyed on a nice calm day at home pondering over life. This album lets us all know that we are not alone.