mama dancer!

Hello all. Ok this one is for the gentlemen out there, for this example let’s pretend you have a fairly young attractive mom. You and your friends go out for a night on the town and end up in a strippers bar. You all pound drinks and decide to get a few lap dances. Your friend makes the arrangements and tells you all to go to the next room and wait for the girls.

Well as the ladies enter you realize that one of them is your mother.

What do you do????????

once in a blue moon

Ask anyone and they’ll tell you,

“James is one that is never lost for words”

But every blue moon I am, and this was one funny ass blue moon.

This is the most recent event in my life that left me speechless; I mean I had no words at all. The only thing I could do was laugh. You see I like to get reactions out of people, say crazy shit and see how they react to it; some is good, some is bad, and sometimes it hilarious.

I tend to just spew some off the wall sexual banter at my boys once in awhile just for laughs and also because sometimes, I just love to see their reactions to some of the shit I say.

Well on this day I decided to mess with my friend Paul by texting him this:

Me: yo last night was my first wet dream in a long time that didn’t involve you.

And this was his reply that left me lost for words:

Paul: that’s what you think. In my dream I was watching you from the window.

I was lost for words; all I could do was laugh. This was all I could type back to him in my midst of laughter:

Me: I got no comment.

Till next time….

tired

I have lost track of all time,

So bored out of my fucking mind,

Something has got to give

For this is not the way one should live

Toiling away trying to earn,

Just a lil bit,

Enough to just burn,

Food under lock and key,

Forcing me to work,

Forcing me to just be,

Tired of making a living,

Instead of making a life,

is that semen on you? my latest scenario.

Lets say you and your significant other had an early morning quickie, well on your way to work in the morning your on the bus and you hear people chattering behind you, you turn around only to have an elderly lady ask you this question,

“ah excuse me, but is that semen on your shirt?”

•

what do you say?

thinking out loud once again

Hello reader, been awhile since I’ve written to you all, well here I am, returning to the world of writing out my thoughts to share with you all.

Well last night I went to bed thinking and imagining how far advanced would we be as a civilization if we had the same beliefs, as in agreeing in our view of a higher power. I am going to show you the image that sparked this thought, I would like for you guys to look at it and let me know what thoughts it sparked in you.

This is what it sparked in my mind.


Imagine a world with a universal religion so to speak, as if we were all spiritual and realized that the differences in our beliefs is what would holds us back as a civilization. We woulda had flying cars by the 40s, disease would not be an issue and most of them woulda been cured by now, and some would not have even been invented.

Just imagine no dark ages, no burning of so-called witches, no lynch mobs going around killing in the name of their god and beliefs. No wasting time fighting over whats right and wrong according to a system of beliefs. Well I can go on and on but I would like to know what you guys think. Let me know,

Till next time….

part of my opening from my book.

It is true what they say; you do see your whole life flash right before your eyes in that last moment of life. Only it does not just flash, it is sort of like reliving your whole life, but this time having no control over it. You are aware of all the outcomes but still repeat the same mistakes. You also have the capabilities to slow down some parts of your life. You can bask in the glow of winning the big game, (if you played in a big game) or cry over losing a loved one and realizing just how important and precious life really is, (we all have to go through this). Let’s just say that a lot of things run through your mind at this moment.

Well I would like to share this flash, with you; just to give you an inside look at the inner workings of my mind.

Why you ask?

Because I want to, I love to share my insights on life with anyone that is willing to listen to or read anything that I have written. In addition, I think I am a pretty-good storyteller.

Is that a good enough reason? I would like to think so.

This might not make sense to you at times, but bear with it, eventually all roads lead home, and what I am about to share will eventually makes sense. This is a story of a boy, who became a man that ends up living not as he wants, but as he can.

We begin in the year 1976…

Why is shitting such a “Taboo”?

Why is shitting such a “Taboo”? As in no one talks about it freely or we all seem to walk out of the bathroom with a little bit of shame on our faces when we do it.

Why is that?

I mean defecating, passing a bowel, digesting, or just plain shitting, is something that we all do. I mean every human shits. Its one of the few things we all do. So why don’t we discuss it more freely, or do it on a first date at your dates house, or your own house for that matter when we have company. I for one rarely shit in front of a girl I just met, whether it is at my house or hers. Why is that? I’m definitely sure that every human being shits, yet most of us don’t bring the subject until we feel comfortable with that person.

I mean we all say we gotta go pee, or take a shower, but no one says “Hey I’m gonna go take a quick dump” and as we leave the bathroom we all leave looking a tad bit guilty. I mean if we tell people freely that were going to shower, then why not that? I mean just switch the words up and it sounds so much better, tell them, “hey I’m gonna go cleanse my belly”.

If you think about it you are technically cleaning your stomach out so a stomach shower would fit in this sense. So for those that are still shy when it comes to this little human part of us, use the phrase “belly cleanser” or “stomach cleansing” whatever floats your boat, in all just take your shit with pride folks, there should be no stigma attached to defecating, seriously. The next time you take a dump around coworkers or friends leave the bathroom with pride, for you have cleansed your stomach out of all the bad stuff. Feel good about it folks, for we all do it.

Till next time…

Christmas wish?

Christmas wish.
What do we all want for Christmas? This is normally an odd question for me to answer; you see I haven’t written a wish list to Santa in close to 25 years or so, so you see I’m not sure as in what I would ask for, or if there is anything out there that I want? I have gone so long without that I don’t know how to request anything for this holiday. Yeah sure we all want something; I just don’t know what to ask for.

Yeah I would like to start working on building a family with the right lady, but that isn’t something Santa could put under the tree, or is it? I would like for most of the indecision in me to be taken away, but again, that isn’t something that can be put in a box, or can it? Yes there is that toy I wanted as a kid that never got, but seriously, what would I do with a toy right now?

So what I am asking simply is this, if you all had one gift to ask for, what would it be? Now don’t give me that “World Peace” nonsense, give me what you would like to see under your tree on Christmas morning. Maybe that would give me an idea as to what I’m looking for in a gift. For now, I am simply asking for all of my loved ones and yes, even my hated ones, to have a great holiday, this is the one time of the year that I want all to be smiling, and it’s that simple.

Hey you never know who will be reading this nonsense, it just might be your Santa, so let me know what you would like for this upcoming holiday. I hope you all get what you’re asking for and that your able to make someone else in this world smile, even if its only for one day.

Happy holidays folks.
Till next time….

proper clening technique

I have noticed this trend going on for years and I have helped those that would listen and actually put into effect what I have showed them. So some of you could stop doing this idiotic mistake I will post it here.

A few guys that I have known and some girls that I have dated have done this mistake. Now it’s not their fault, I blame the parents for this mistake. But you cannot rub a bar of soap on your body, flake up and then turn on the water and rinse yourself off.

This is wrong people. You must combine the soap with the water. It’s that simple. Use them cohesively. Now for those that would like a demonstration please feel free to contact me and I will walk you through the process, for the rest of you, I hope this little bit of info helps and makes you a better person.

Remember, a clean body makes will be appreciated by all.

Till next time

so she had a bad day

Why me? Is what she thought. Damn shit is not funny, is what was running through her mind, I have seriously got the worst fucking luck. Damn!

Just the other day things were looking up for her; she had put her car on “Craigslist” for sale and was content with what was going on in her life. She came to me and told me bout her ad, and asked if I could help out,

“Sure” I told her, “Just let me look at the ad”.

I looked at the ad and noticed that it wasn’t posted in “New York”,

“Now that’s your problem right there, the ad is posted in “New Jersey” north jersey of all places, no one looks there, place your ad in “New York” and watch how you’ll get replies within the day”.

Well she went and placed the ad in “New York” like I told her, and would you know, within the hour she had a reply. She called me ecstatic saying the guy would be there in a little bit to checkout the car, I was happy for her also, no need for a lady with a one year old to have a second car just sitting there in her driveway,

“Make that money” is what I told her.

Lo and behold my phone rings by 6 o clock that day; it was her in a frantic tone.

“James, this guy was nuts”
“Huh, please explain, and calm down, tell me what happened”

She takes a deep breath and proceeds to fill me in on what occurred.

“Well this guy came by, looked at the car and said that it looked great, then asked if it would be ok if he can start it up, sure I told him as I handed him the keys. He pulls out over 12 hundred bucks in cash and says if it starts up, he’ll take it”

“Ok, what happened then, it sounds like it went well” is what I said.

She began to cry and say “No it didn’t go ok, this sick fuck got in my car with his money laid it on the passenger seat and reached in his pocket for a small bottle, started up the car, looked my way, smiled and proceeded to open the bottle and pour its contents all over himself and the inside of the car. I yelled hey what are you doing? He just looked at me, smiled and lit a match and put himself and the inside of the car on fire. The car went up like a straw house, and the money he brought also burnt up with him. This is some crazy shit James, why me?”

“Damn hon", was all I could muster. Then I followed up with, “You mean to tell me, that this guy came over to buy your car, showed you money, told you he would take it, got in the car to start it, and then poured gasoline all over himself and lit himself on fire in your car?”

“Yes” is what she got out in between sobs.

I started to chuckle a bit at this story because this shit is crazy. What the fuck would posses a man to light himself on fire in a car he intended to buy, with the money at his side? That is the craziest shit I’ve heard in awhile. Damn some people got no consideration for others.

Well she got stuck with a burnt car, a burnt person in it, and 12 hundred dollars burnt up also. So she has no car or money now and got a traumatic experience on top of it. Some people just have really fucked up days, remember this story the next time you think your having a bad day.

Hope you enjoyed this fictitious tale, till next time….

Long time no write

I know I haven’t been around.
Since I broke my wrist,
I find reasons why I can’t see you.
I come up with ideas,
Think of ways to say hello to you.
I always seem to forget.
Seems as of late,
You’ve been trying to get my attention.
Don’t know why?
But I choose to ignore you.
Now you’re yelling,
Screaming so loud,
I can no longer deny you.
Well, here I am.
How are you?
It’s has been awhile.

The Raping Pit!

One would think that a place called “The Raping Pit” would think that it’s a bad place? Am I wrong for assuming this? Can anyone out there tell me that a place called “The Raping Pit” would be a good place to go for a night?

Seriously, when you go down the basement and look under the staircase, all you see is a large hole, and in that hole is nothing but darkness, with a glimmer of an arm or teeth, sometimes even a buttock. But that’s all you see when you look down into “The Raping Pit”.

Now what makes me say this is one day this guy sot loud with me in my basement, so I punched him in the face, put my foot up his ass and threw him down the hole. Now s far as I can tell he never got out of there, don’t know why he never left but he chose to stay down there. Some people are a bit odd I tell ya.

Well for the next few months anybody that upset me and I wanted to get rid of, I would throw down the hole. Now I would hear some crazy shit down there, most of it I can’t repeat, but I sorta knew what was going on down there. That’s how I came up with the name.

But it seems to me that anyone I throw down there would just stay down there and join the growing crew. Pretty soon they were demanding people and food. One of them even had the balls to write me a note asking for cable. I told em to go fuck themselves and threw a midget down there.

So would you like to be thrown down into “The Raping Pit”!

Till next time….

Bohemian

Bohemian: A person with artistic or literary interests who disregards conventional standards of behavior.


Bohemian

Some say
“James you need to be saved”
Following your bullshit
Will that teach me to behave?
Trained since birth to view the world just like you
Not my fault
I question, I read, and now I see things
From a different point of view
‘Cause I question
Some say I’m bold
Can’t just sit there and believe all that’s been told
Most of what that has been written
A lot of it lies
Finding out the truth
I see
With open eyes
I don’t need a daily reminder
Or a weekly affirmation
To love those around me
And all of creation


Copyright © 2007. James Velez

A new found family

OK, my head is still spinning but it has slowed down a bit. Slowed down long enough for me to write down a few things that have transpired in my life recently and I would like to share it with you all...

Here we go,

As of yesterday “June 29^th 2010” my life has changed drastically. Not in a bad way this time. For once in my life I am smiling, I mean a big cheese grin is plastered across my face. I feel as if that proverbial chip that has been on my shoulder has finally fallen off.

As most of readers know I just recently found out who my real father is. For my entire life the man whom I thought was my dad, whom I am named after, turned out not to be my dad. Now that came as a big shock to me, for it turned out, that the man that has been calling me “Son” and telling me “You know I am your real father” and my reply to that was “Ok, if you say so” and I would think to myself, my father is the man who signed my birth certificate end of story and that would be that was actually telling me the truth. All this time, the one lying to me was my mother. She has her reasons, some I agree with some I don’t, but I understand. She did the best that she could do for her children. I know it is not easy being 14 and having a child.

I don’t understand her reasoning behind not telling me when my sister father died, (him being the man whom I thought was my father) or telling me when I turned 21, or even 30. There were plenty of chances to come out with the truth, but she didn’t. I don’t quite understand, but I can try to. I see that she did this to protect me, to keep me from the life she was raised in. she didn’t want her son being around gangs and drugs. She wanted a better life for her children. In a way I see that she protected me. Overprotected but nonetheless protected me.

I love you mom A.K.A. “Brunie”

I was hurt for being lied to all my life, hurt from being denied the truth. If anyone deserved the truth I felt it should have been me. But noooooooooooo, not in my world. It felt odd knowing that my father was still alive; it bothered me that I find this out this information in my 30s. So many years have passed. I am 33 years old, and I am now finding out who my father is. Damn life throws crazy things at you at times.

Well I was looking forward to meeting this man in august. I was getting myself ready for the big meeting; I mean one of the biggest meetings in my life was going to happen in august. I was going to be face to face with my dad, my father. But no, “August” couldn’t wait. I get woken up on Tuesday with a text from my mom telling me that my father is and he would like to see me today after work and here is his number. Well my head was spinning.

“Is this for real” I said out loud. Then I called my mom immediately.

“Your father is out early and I just got off the phone with him, he said he really wants to see you today.”

“Huh! Oh ok, I’ll call him right now.”

I hung up and called the number she gave me, this is how it went.

“Hello”

“Hi um is this tiger” I said.

“Is this my son!” was his reply.

I replied meekly with a “Yeah uh it is”

“Hold on a second, there is someone that wants to talk to you” was his reply. I hear him passing the phone and the next thing I hear is,

“Hi Anthony, my name is “Hector” I’m your little brother”

My world spun, I was hit hard by this child’s voice, and all I said was,

“I’ll be there in 5 minutes” and I hung up.

I got dressed, got in my car and flew to the Bronx. I knew exactly where they were, it’s my old neighborhood.

I got there parked and walked right up to the office, walked in and immediately saw him. I saw a man that looked like an older version of me. We locked eyes and he asked who I was looking for? I pointed at him and said “I think you”. He smiled and came right out, arms open ready for a hug. And you know what? I hugged him.

For the first time in my life, I was holding my dad, and he was holding me. It felt so good to be held by my father, to actually hold the man that helped create me. We look like twins; he is an older version of yours truly. I am actually seeing what I have to look forward to as I get older. I see my nose in his face, my forehead; he even has the same ears. And to top it all off, his ass is just as flat as mine.

So we go outside and he introduces me to my little brother. Holy shit, I now have a little brother. I have a diesel little brother, he looks like a younger more muscular version of me, and it is bugging me out. I hugged my little brother for the first time in my life, it felt good. My dad comes over and tells me that my other brothers will be by around 5ish, I say ok kool, and I hang out for a bit and then head home.

As I’m driving home I call my mom up bugging. I tell her how kool everything went, I tell her I got brothers, and I mentioned that I’m going back around 5 and asked if she would like to come. She said nah because she didn’t feel up to it. “Ah well think about it” I told her and hung up. I went home, jumped in bed and stared at my ceiling. I tell one of my roommates what I am going through at the moment, then my other roommate called me ad asks if I can pick him up from the train. The rest is a blur to me until I get a text from my mom saying that she changed her mind and would come down to the Bronx with me to see my dad.

Well the ride down was real kool; we talked and listened to some “Thirsty Pirates”. It was a bit tense bit overall kool. We get to the block and I tell you it felt odd walking on my old streets with my mom once again, and not only that, but walking towards my father. Now that felt weird.

We approach, an old friend of my moms comes out of nowhere and starts chatting her up, my dad walks up to me and we hug. I go up to my little brother and give him a hug. That when my pops introduce me to my older brother “Willie”. I stick my hand out to shake his and my pops grabs me and says “What I tell you bout shaking hands with your family?” “Give your brother a hug!” we hugged the way brothers hug. It felt good hugging another brother of mine. My dad walks up to us and points behind me, I turn around and I see my twin.

“Meet your brother “J.C.” “He says, and we just hugged. I am hugging my brothers for the first time. My little brothers begin to tell me how they all seen pictures of me, how my pops used to always talk about “Anthony” we’ve been dying to meet you”. I’m bugging, “You guys all knew about me and I had no clue about you guys.” Damn my head was spinning, here I am with my brothers for the first time, these guys are showing honest to goodness love, I feel such an instant connection with all of them. Their embracing me and wanting me to join the family I have been denied for so long. I no longer feel like the outsider of the family I now have brothers, damn that sounds good. I have a big brother and two younger brothers. My father tells me I have two sisters, one of them passed away some time ago and that I’ll soon meet the other...

I now have my father and my brothers in my life now. I got a whole new family to meet. I just can’t wait for them to meet my sisters, oh man, that picture is gonna kick ass! For now here is the very first picture of my father with all of his sons.

Till next time….